Who was I to be? Do you ever ask yourself that question? Do you ever wonder, did I follow the right path or did I miss my calling? I did, for the longest time. Why though? Did I really feel like I had missed the mark in the very decisions of life? I have learned those questions derived from self doubt. Sometimes even from a place harkening to the alleged limitless potential that I never thought I quite lived up to. What did I accomplish? Didn’t matter, because it wasn’t everything I could have done. I was totally convinced.
It seemed as if I worked hard to remind myself that I didn’t do enough. I wasn’t enough. In a world of suffering and anguish, I did not do enough to help. I didn’t meet the standard. Therefore, I failed and no matter what I did from that moment forward, I would never achieve the satisfaction of knowing I lived this life well and to the fullest extent. Trapped in my own delusional prison of limitation. No past could be remedied and no present could be void of the past.
Makes you wonder, where did this pattern of thought come from? How could someone who got up everyday trying to make difference, feel so worthless about what they had done. I had a hunch that perhaps all the naysayers and doubters I encountered, had more of an impression on me then I thought.
People I respected, familiar faces, the occasional crush, or just the mean people who thought different was bad and therefore I was weird. They all said things, repetitiously, and convincingly. Unfortunately, I wore my feelings on my sleeves, making me an easy target, until one day I didn’t. I stopped hearing the insults, but I wasn’t able to hear the compliments that came later either.
Now don’t get all sentimental for me. I was no different than anyone else. We are all subject to these things. I consider myself lucky, as I saw much worse with others. So why then, did it mean a so much? Simple, I allowed doubt in and by allowing it to, doubt grew inside me. Like many growing things, self doubt, became a giant monster of an obstacle in my life. To breathe, I needed constant grading and reassurance. I had to see major success to accept a small amount of reprieve. I would have happily died trying to be better, trying to be something others could be proud of.
If anything I have written here even remotely strikes a chord, then do me a favor, and read this next statement very carefully. It was all bull shit. No one in our time has led the societal perfect life. No one has cured all ills by the measure of nirvana. No one rode the horse of righteous perfection down the straight and narrow road to sainthood. It took a lot to convince me, including a self torturous number of years, but I finally saw that it was all a facade.
In a world where individuals can thrive, and differences can yield beauty, I was always good enough and so are you. I was exactly where I was meant to be, in each and every step, good or bad. Those who said otherwise were equally as tortured and also less than perfect. I controlled my path and I get to determine how well I walked it. The only thing that ever held me back, was believing that I wasn’t good enough. I saw the beauty in everything accept myself, which means I was blind.
It’s time we all opened our eyes, opened our ears and taste the sweetness of accepting our value. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t believe that you didn’t do enough or you didn’t choose the right path. Your path, gave you scars, it made you cry and bleed, but it also gave you joy and perspective. Your path made you who you are, and made many others value who you are. You impacted others and you left a mark.
Here’s to us! A life well lived, and life worth cherishing. You’re being who you are meant to be. You define who you are and if you decide to change the definition, well that’s totally your decision. Go be who you are and don’t let anyone make you doubt it.
Conversation with Chris 